My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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