If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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