And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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