I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
