hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
