remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
