Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
