i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
