Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
is wine microwaveable?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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