life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
