I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
