Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
