I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
