Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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