I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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