after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
