i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
