ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
