A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
