worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
