im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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