My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
