I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
