i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
