Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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