I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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