weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
