Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
