we have pet lesbian snakes
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am spending my child support on dildos
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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