how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
