i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Little spoons don't ask big questions
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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