Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She said her name was "party"
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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