he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Who put my cat in the fridge?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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