first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
