I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I need moral support for this bender
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's shark week go big or go home
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
