Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
