how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
