Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
