Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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