I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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