My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
