I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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