got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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