Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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