A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
