In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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