You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Vodka?
Forever.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
