Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
