sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so let's talk penis.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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