had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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